Aft'noon folks. Rachel missed a week last week - good of you to notice. I just couldn't find anything funny enough on the t'interwebs to share with y'all except Maddy jokes and Colin jokes which will not be posted here.
I am happy to say, normal service has now been resumed.
The news on the street is that the silly old twunt has officially left the building - permanently. A wee bit of care over who you send e-mail to is all that is needed.....
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
There I was walking along the streets of Newport late at night and I happened to notice a "lady of the night" stood on the street corner.
Out of curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied, "£50"
Off I went on my travels again and at the other end of the same street bumped into another "lady of the night".
Out of yet more curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied "£5."
I said, "Blimey, that's cheap, the other lady at the other end of the street wanted £50.
She said, "That's because she has a womb."
I replied, "And you haven't?"
"No," she said, "we'd have to do it up against the wailings."
Paddy's just moved into the city and visits his new local pub for the first time. He strides up to the bar and asks for three pints. The landlord hands over the drinks and watches the Irishman sit at a table and one by one drink them all. Nearly every day for a few months the landlord eventually asks Paddy why he doesn't just order a pint at a time, that way it'll still be cold.
"Well," Says Paddy, "I've got two brothers and as we can't drink together we always order for three and drink it all on our own." The landlord agrees that this is a nice little tradition and gets to know Paddy over the coming months.
One day Paddy comes in with a look of death on his face and orders just two pints. The landlord, feeling inadequate and sad for his friend, gives Paddy his condolences and asks which of his brothers had died.
"What'cha talkin about?" Says Paddy, "I've just quit drinking."
Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.
"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.
"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for £1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her £1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other.
One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual £1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to £1.50."
Miriam has never been on a cruise before. One day, she meets her friend Leah and they stop for a chat.
"So where are you and Simon going for your holidays this year?" asks Leah.
"I’d like to try out a cruise, Leah," replies Miriam, "but I’m not sure whether Simon and I would enjoy ourselves. We’re almost 70 now and Simon thinks cruising is for younger people."
"No, you’re wrong in thinking that, Miriam," replies Leah. "Most cruise ships have special design features just for senior citizens."
"So give me an example, already," says Miriam.
"Well … OK," replies Leah, "They have bifocal portholes."
I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day.
Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's 730 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love 730 times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight five.
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2007, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fcuk home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it- I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No condoms, no fcuking. Carry your ass home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
As far as I'm concerned, Hermaphrodites can go fcuk themselves.......
You just may be a "Redneck" if....
...Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies..."
...Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunch boxes.
...All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences.
...The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra (or a shoulder pad from her sweater).
...Your family reunion was held at a skating rink.
...Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over.
Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby. His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."
Jeremy and Isaac are out having a celebratory meal at Minky’s Kosher Cafe. At the end of the meal, the waiter comes over and asks, "OK, gentlemen, will it be tea or coffee for you?"
"I’ll have a glass of lemon tea," replies Jeremy.
"Me too," says Isaac, "and make sure the glass is clean."
Five minutes later, the waiter returns with two lemon teas on his tray. As he’s about to hand them out, he asks, "Who asked for the clean glass?"
Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny are invited to a party, so all three go and buy new dancing shoes.
Monica buys size 9, Phoebe buys size 10, and Fanny buys a manly size 14.
At the party Fanny sits alone watching her two sisters hoofing it up, when two guys approach them and say, "Wow, those are big feet!"
Monica and Phoebe reply, "If you think these are big, wait till you see our Fanny's!"
A woman walks into a gynaecologist's office for an exam.
She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says,
"You have a really huge pussy. You have a really huge pussy."
The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."
21st Century...
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
Sheep are better than...
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
Nuttin' beats mutton!
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and then get pissed off when you tell them.
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get it up for the second time.
Sheep never insist on eating out.
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Brad Pitt.
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
Sheep don't get moody once a month.
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay... and pay.
A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
Theory of Relativity: If you could fly twice the speed of light, you could land on Mars, get out of your spaceship and watch yourself come.
Or, a cheaper way, install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.
A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated. The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem." After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard sniffff and it was gone!
A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."
Answers
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the Participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle..
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold ! frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"
Tammy was waiting with the cart, browsing in the small appliances aisle, while Doug gathered a few last minute items. When Doug returned, Tammy was facing the opposite direction, so Doug silently approached and gave her a playful pat on the bottom.
Without turning around she said, "That had better be my husband. But if it's not, I shop here every Tuesday."
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